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Acknowledging Emotions
Inspired
by 'Siblings Without Rivalry' Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
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“I've
learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget
what you did, but people will never forget the way you made them
feel.” Maya
Angelou
Offering
something positive when siblings are unhappy with one another,
especially for what seems like no rational reason, can bring
challenges to the harmony of family life.
I
wanted to offer a few bits of wisdom that I have learnt so far to
help with this transition and indeed to help ease all other
relationships too. Three things that have been helpful to me are:
acknowledgement of feelings, giving children in fantasy what they
don't have in reality and helping them use creative expression to
release feelings.
Acknowledging
feelings
Whatever
we may think about how others feel and react is something that we
have every right to think, but it is not always helpful or beneficial
in easing the relationships between siblings. One of the most
healing way of guiding them through these challenges they face is by
acknowledging their feelings.
When
you train in Humanistic Counselling, you learn that one of the most
important part of the session is to show you are listening and
empathising by paraphrasing and repeating part of what the client
says. They feel listened to and feel they have empathy. Likewise,
children generally want the same; to be listened to and empathised
with. This is great, because you don't have to agree with them. They
might be getting annoyed with their sister because they are just
around, but you can create a calmness and a positive response
whilst being authentic and helpful.
A
common feeling in siblings when a new a baby arrives is that all your
time as a mother is spent with them, especially considering the
intensely beautiful relationship surrounding nursing. If your child
expresses this, it is so easy to say 'but I just spent all morning
with you doing....' but no matter how accurate this may seem to you,
it is not how they are feeling and this is what needs to be
acknowledged. Perhaps saying ' So you feel that I spent too much time
with baby....' is giving them that acknowledgement. This way you are
putting his/ her feelings into words.
Of
course it helps if we are mindful of what we are saying and use our
intuition and knowledge of our children; children often have hidden
and unknown fears and also say things they don't exactly mean- as we
all do. For instance, they may say they 'hate' their sister/ brother
but if you repeat this to them it may not be satisfying, and may
anger them more. Trying to find a more understanding way of
acknowledging their feelings like 'Sometimes he/ she makes you mad
and sometimes you enjoy playing with them', or whatever is more
accurate, may be more helpful.
Giving
children in fantasy what they don't have in reality
Children
of different ages play very differently. They have different 'play
needs'.
A
common argument between siblings can be about property and different
styles of play. For instance, the younger child may knock down
buildings instead of building them with wooden blocks, etc. and this
might upset the older child. It is so easy to want to explain this to
the older child, but what they really want is for you to understand
'their' needs. If we say what we think they wish, such as ' you wish
they would build instead of knocking down', then they feel as if they
are being listened to.
Helping
them use creative expression to release feelings
Children
are often physical with how they feel. It is important to stop
hurtful behaviour and we want to encourage our children to express
themselves in positive and helpful ways that still encourage a sense
of release. If a child wants to or does physically hurt someone, we
can encourage them to use other ways to express their anger: you can
tell them that we don't hurt others and then ask them to show their
feelings with their doll, ask them to draw a picture of how they feel
( Art therapy is very releasing), or they can be encouraged to write
down their feelings in a letter (which may or may not need to be
sent) or in a journal.
Bach
flower remedies also can work with children, as they work with their
emotions on a deep level.
And
Lastly...
An
obvious note that is worth remembering is that it is good to avoid
unfavourable comparisons and better to just describe what you see
or feel at that moment and with that child.
Equality-
If the younger child complains of having less food, instead of saying
' I gave you the same', you could acknowledge their feelings by
saying ' are you still hungry would you like seconds?'
Likewise
when your child asks you 'who do you love the best' it is easy to say
'I love you both the same', but you can acknowledge their feelings
more when you personalise it, for instance 'I love you because you
are thoughtful and bring me my favourite flowers from the garden, and
you have a perfect smile that makes my heart fill with joy and there
is not another one quite like you'.
Parents
don't always have to be 'right', a wise and powerful parent can
accept when their children offer them glimpses of knowledge and shows
gratitude for it. Sometimes children are best left to work their
relationship through themselves, with a close ear from you.
We
all have times when we wish we could have handled things better, but
it's worth remembering that there have probably been many more times
when we have handled things wonderfully! And we grow ourselves
through our mistakes and triumphs.
Love and Light
to you all
